A Bunch of Stuff That's Not Going in the Packet I'm Working On

As advertised

Writing a packet. Behind. No time to do a proper post. Very unlikely to get the packet thing, but gonna try it. This stuff won’t be part of it.

PRESS SECRETARY HOGGEDY BOGGLY

There is not a press secretary named Hoggedy Boggly, but there is someone in some position like “press secretary” with an equivalently dumb name. Maybe it was “Hogan Gidley," but I can’t remember exactly. I read it once and I hope never to read it again.

Names are stupid. One time I wrote a whole piece about names. This was the middle portion:

I don’t know for sure what makes a name dumb. Definitely, names that have meaning in English are liable to be dumb, because a name is supposed to be a word for a person but instead it sounds like you’re trying to say some words. Someone forwarded me something by Simon Rich. I was like, who is this guy, someone who got rich from simony? It’s like, the church called, they’d like the integrity of their hiring practices back. Turns out it’s a kid.

There’s no reason it’s fair to judge people by their names. But if you call them by their names, it’s bound to happen. I don’t know a better option.

“Hogan” is a funny one. It sounds like “hoagie” and it sounds like “Hulk Hogan.”

“MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS” JOKES FROM MY COLBERT PACKET LAST YEAR

They only needed three and I forgot which ones I sent but here are the ones I wrote. The frame of these is Stephen Colbert saying these through a confession booth while church music plays, it looks like this:

Here’s mine…

I weigh my Halloween candy before I decide if I’m grateful enough to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Before my dentist appointment every year, I book an appointment with a new dentist the week before so my old dentist will be impressed with how clean my teeth are. And then the next year I have to book another dentist to impress that dentist. I’m up to eight dentists now. It would almost be easier to just floss every day. Almost.

I follow the Golden Rule, but I’m really good at convincing myself that I would like to be treated to people stealing my french fries.

Guns, Germs, and Steel - all things I have too much of in my mouth.

I live like a "monk," which is what I call a monkey for short.

I have a bit of a Jesus complex. And a bit of a herpes simplex.

Whenever I see people carrying small dogs in a bag, I wonder why you never see the opposite. Some dogs are bigger than humans. I'd like to a see a Great Dane carrying a baby in a little satchel.

My doctor told me I had to stop eating meatloaf every night for dinner, so I changed up the shapes of the meat I eat every night. It's meat pyramid on Mondays, meat pancake on Tuesdays, meat alphabet Wednesday-Saturday, and still meatloaf on Sundays.

They say home is where the heart is. I believe them - both my home and my heart are clogged up with way too much ice cream.

I misheard "Ash Wednesday" as "Ass Wednesday" for decades and boy was I embarrassed when I told the priest what I'd been putting on my face all these years.

I try to follow my doctor's health advice, but some of it seems a little excessive. I don't think I'm ready to switch my favorite comic to Charles Schultz's Almonds. [auth - this is my favorite on account of it’s the worst]

Sometimes I get lonely, because I don't talk to my wife and kids.

I think if I went to heaven, I'd enjoy it okay, but I'd really want to see hell to make sure I was really getting ahead.

I admit I crave attention, but I only admit it because people seem to like watching confessions.

I wouldn't call myself lazy. That seems like a lot of effort.

I believe that true beauty is on the inside, where nobody will ever see it. I work in television, so I prefer the much more useful false beauty.

I like to keep on my skin tags, so I can return my skin for a full refund. But deep down I know it won't work. Just between you and me, audience, [whispers]: I'm more than 30 days old.

I like to keep a bike in the office, so when I start sweating profusely from having too many donuts on the drive in to work, I can grab my bike and pretend the sweat from was from exercise.

If I could have dinner with one person from history, it would be Gandhi, during his hunger strike, and I'd get there early, order a meal for the both of us, and then act surprised when he passed his portion over to me.

I'm glad toothpaste doesn't taste very good, because otherwise I'd eat toothpaste.

I think my priest has gone alt-right. He just told me so say 10 "Our Daddy"s and 5 "Heil Mary"s.

I like to sleep in BEFORE hitting snooze ten times.

I often fall asleep eating chilly fries on my bed. Not fries with chili, ice cold, chilly fries. Well, yes, they're also covered with cold chili.

Every time someone mentions "Remember the Titans," I wonder who de-membered the Titans in the first place.

I have a drug problem - I drug my muddy boots across the floor. [auth - oh wait I forgot how bad this one is I think I like it even more]

I'm at the age where sometimes I wake up to pee in the middle of the night. And even worse, sometimes I don't.

The dentist said I have really nice teeth. He was asking me to return the bag of them I'd stolen from his office.

When people say "I could eat you right up" to babies, it makes no sense to me unless the babies are at the exact age when their fingers are the size and shape of Vienna sausages.

end