Can't Spell Politics Without "Pee"

one of the dumbest things I've ever published, feel free to skip if you don't want to feel the need to unsubscribe

I code-switch a lot in my life. There’s basically two groups of people in my life, people who know me as an angry weirdo troll, and people who know me as a caring, thoughtful person, and weirdly some of both of them are on my subscriber list. “I’m a dirtbag at heart,” I have to admit to polite company, while I have to inform the people who see me as a (loveable?) dirtbag that I’m really a respectable type in disguise.

I still don’t know what an authentic self is or who I am as a writer or a person, but today I’ve got something that will disappoint both groups, but amuse me. There’s nothing tasteful or thoughtful about it, no serious political analysis, but there’s also nothing edgy, transgressive, or artistic. It is simple a collection of pee/politics jokes, based around the idea that needing to urinate when walking around is difficult. It’s barely constructed, more like a “stream” of consciousness (hahahaha).

Basically, I’ve been having a tough mental health week and I wanted to write something dumb, and also today I needed to pee a lot, having had a large coffee, lots of water, and a ginger beer, and was on my way to an hour-long commute and walking past a lot of places that had no bathrooms I could use. At times like this, I feel like I’m the only person in the world who needs to urinate, that it’s my private shame, because if other people needed to urinate they never would have stood for the world being set up this way. And yet it is.

It’s true: needing to urinate completely takes over your life, and happens multiple times a day, and it goes from a big problem to no problem in a matter of seconds with no food, drugs, or drinks required. And yet sometimes, you can’t do it, because you’re not in a place that permits such a thing. I wrote about it before, in simpler media times, when a character with outrageous policy views was more of a joke and not an everyday reality, and I’m writing about it again today. This isn’t about any of the horrifying real-world politics around bathroom use, this is really just something dumb for the sake of dumb.

You Can’t Spell Politics Without “Pee”

Millions of Americans need to pee, but there aren’t enough bathrooms nearby. They’re wondering what the politicians are gonna do about it.

Donald Trump doesn’t care. He wants to make it illegal to pee unless you pay a lot of money. Of course all his friends and political allies will get to pee for free, in secret. Donald Trump is famous for hiring other people to pee on beds, but he pretends that he never has to do it himself. Never once has he admitted to peeing or talked about how he has to pee. He pretends he doesn’t even do it because he’s a germaphobe. Mitch McConnell is always trying to block Democrats from peeing, and when Republicans need to pee he rushes them through to the bathroom, so the plan is alright by him.

But there’s hope. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has proposed a “Pee New Deal.” The idea is we’re going to build a lot of public bathrooms and also make a lot of jobs building the bathrooms at the same time. And the “Pee New Deal” is also a Green New Deal, because the bathrooms are gonna be eco-friendly. But the pee itself isn’t going to be green, unless you ate something funny. The Pee New Deal is popular with young people, because they like AOC’s bold vision, but it is also popular with old people because they have to pee a lot. It transcends generations.

Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders both agree that peeing is a basic human right and we need to have universal bathrooms. The main difference is Warren has a bunch of really specific plans for how to make companies pay for the bathrooms. Also she thinks we gotta have equality of lengths of bathroom lines across genders. People asked Bernie if he’s gonna do that too, and he said “yeah, yeah, the plan’s gonna benefit everyone” but in his office the bathroom lines aren’t really the same, not that that’s unusual but it’s not good. Meanwhile across town Joe Biden said something really creepy about peeing but we’re not even gonna report it. And Beto O’Rourke has been hopping up on all kinds of objects and peeing off them. He hasn’t released his bathroom plan yet but people say he’s gonna inspire a lot of people to pee. You can’t fault his energy. Amy Klobuchar says she’s gonna bring a lot of jobs building bathroom infrastructure to the middle and working classes. Kamala Harris said she’s gonna start with building bathrooms in schools. People also have high hopes for Pete Buttigieg because he seems very smart and they’re convinced he’ll find a very smart way to let people pee.

But the real ideas are coming from the center. Howard Schultz has a great plan for how to make peeing better in America: Republicans and Democrats have to come together. The reason we aren’t peeing so comfortably is because they disagree, with their specific ideas that are different, and that if we didn’t have as many specific ideas we wouldn’t have so many disagreements, which lead to long bathroom lines. He also says that he made Starbucks and Starbucks has made more bathrooms than anyone, and that if you ever used a bathroom in a Starbucks you need to vote for him. “Mr. Schultz, in your bathroom plan, will we have to buy something at a Starbucks to use the bathroom?” the reporters have asked, and he hasn’t answered yet.

Schultz isn’t the only independent with big ideas. Mayor Bloomberg isn’t mayor anymore but he says he still reserves the right to pee in Gracie Mansion, or at least on it. He says he’s gonna bring in some great companies to solve our pee problem via the private sector, that they will build really nice bathrooms, better than the bathrooms the government can build, and they will create a lot of jobs with really good bathroom access. Eventually the ability to pee will trickle down to everyone he says. That’s what pee does and the ability to pee will do the same.

But even a great technocrat like Bloomberg isn’t as forward-looking as the group of Silicon Valley investors who say they’ve found the next-generation solution to the problem. They’ve partnered with Elizabeth Holmes to invent a syringe that you can use to extract pee right out of your bladder so you don’t have to pee at all, and that it’s really not invasive, just like a fingerprick. They have the technology, they say. Peeing will be a thing of the past.

And libertarians say that the whole idea of government being involved is hogwash, all you need is the freedom to pee, except also there should be no public property and you can’t pee on private property, so it puts you in quite a pickle.

Americans have listened to all these arguments, and they said, well, sounds very nice, but we need to pee and there’s nothing nearby and that’s the crux of it. Ronald Reagan didn’t solve the pee problem. Bill Clinton didn’t solve the pee problem. Neither of the George Bushes solved the pee problem, and Barack Obama only made incremental reforms, and they can’t wait to pee forever. People need to pee. It’s in the name “people”.

With so many points of view from so many different people, whether or not you can pee, and how, looks to be a major issue in 2020, and it’ll just get more contentious as the campaign season rolls along. But there’s one thing we know for sure. Everyone, from every political party, agrees that pooping should be illegal. In the future, poop will have to stay in our butts.

WANT SOMETHING EVEN DUMBER? VERSION “1” (for “going #1”), the same but with the word “pee” substituted for other letters and syllables

Millions of Americans need to pee, but there aren’t enough bathrooms nearby. They’re wondering what the politicians (or should we say “pee”-oliticians?) are gonna do about it.

Donald Trump doesn’t care. He wants to make it illegal to pee unless you pay a lot of money. Of course all his friends and “pee”-litical allies will get to pee for free, in secret. Donald Trump is famous for hiring other people to pee on beds, but he pretends that he never has to do it himself. Never once has he admitted to peeing or talked about how he has to pee. He pretends he doesn’t even do it because he’s a germaphobe. Mitch McConnell is always trying to block Democrats from peeing, and when Republicans need to pee he rushes them through to the bathroom, so the “pee”-lan is alright by him.

But there’s hope. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, aka “A-O-Pee” has “pee-prosed” a “Pee New Deal.” The idea is we’re going to build a lot of public bathrooms and also make a lot of jobs building the bathrooms at the same time. And the “Pee New Deal” is also a Green New Deal, because the bathrooms are gonna be eco-friendly. Or “pee”-co friendly. But the pee itself isn’t going to be green, unless you ate something funny. The Pee New Deal is “pee-”opular with young “pee”-ple, because they like AOC’s bold vision, but it is also popular with old people because they have to pee a lot. It transcends generations.

“Pee”-lizabeth Warren and Bern-“pee” Sanders both agree that peeing is a basic human right and we need to have universal bathrooms. The main difference is Warren has a bunch of really specific plans for how to make companies pay for the bathrooms. Also she thinks we gotta have equality of lengths of men’s and women’s bathroom lines. People asked Bernie if he’s gonna do that too, and he said “yeah, yeah, the plan’s gonna benefit everyone” but in his office the bathroom lines aren’t really the same, not that that’s unusual but it’s not good. Meanwhile across town Joe Biden said something really creepy about peeing but we’re not even gonna report it. And Beto O’Rourke has been hopping up on all kinds of objects and peeing off them. He hasn’t released his bathroom plan yet but people say he’s gonna inspire a lot of people to pee. You can’t fault his energy. Amy Klobuchar says she’s gonna bring a lot of jobs building bathroom infrastructure to the middle and working classes. Kamala Harris said she’s gonna start with building bathrooms in schools. People also have high hopes for “Pee”-te Buttigieg because he seems very smart and they’re convinced he’ll find a very smart way to let people pee.

But the real ideas are coming from the center. Howard Schultz has a great plan for how to make peeing better in America: Republicans and Democrats have to come together. The reason we aren’t peeing so comfortably is because they disagree, or “dis-a-pee” with their specific ideas that are different, and that if we didn’t have as many “pee”-cific ideas we wouldn’t have so many disa-“pee”-ments, which lead to long bathroom lines. He also says that he made Starbucks and Starbucks has made more bathrooms than anyone, and that if you ever used a bathroom in a Starbucks you need to vote for him. “Mr. Schultz, in your bathroom plan, will we have to buy something at a Starbucks to use the bathroom?” the reporters have asked, and he hasn’t answered yet.

Schultz isn’t the only independent with big ideas. Mayor Bloomberg isn’t mayor anymore but he says he still reserves the right to pee in Gracie Mansion, or at least on it. He says he’s gonna bring in some great companies to solve our pee problem via the “pee”-rivate sector, that they will build really nice bathrooms, better than the bathrooms the government can build, and they will create a lot of jobs with really good bathroom access. Eventually the ability to pee will trickle down to everyone he says. That’s what pee does and the ability to pee will do the same.

But even a great technocrat like Bloomberg isn’t as forward-looking as the group of Silicon Valley investors who say they’ve found the next-generation solution to the “pee”-roblem. They’ve partnered with Elizabeth Holmes to invent a syringe that you can use to extract pee right out of your bladder so you don’t have to pee at all, and that it’s really not invasive, just like a finger-“pee”-rick. They have the technology, they say. Peeing will be a thing of the “pee”-ast.

And libertarians say that the whole idea of government being involved is hogwash, all you need is the freedom to pee, except also there should be no “pee”-ublic “pee”-roperty and you can’t pee on “pee”-rivate “pee”-roperty, so it puts you in quite a “pee”-ickle.

Americans have listened to all these arguments, and they said, well, sounds very nice, but we need to pee and there’s nothing nearby and that’s the crux of it. Ronald Reagan didn’t solve the pee problem. Bill Clinton didn’t solve the pee problem. Neither of the George Bushes solved the pee problem, and Barack Obama only made incremental reforms (to be fair, he had a lot of “pee”-sistance from “Pee”-“pee”-ublicans), and they can’t wait to pee forever. People need to pee. It’s in the name “people.”

With so many points of view from so many different parties, whether or not you can pee, and how, looks to be a major issue in 2020, and it’ll just get more contentious as the campaign season rolls along. But there’s one thing we know for sure. Everyone, from every political party, agrees that “pee”-ooping should be illegal. In the future, poop will have to stay in our butts.

end