Horse-Race 2020: Meet Some Horses

Very little politics, very little racing info, a few horses

I like to talk about all kinds of things in politics, but one of my least favorite questions right now is who should be the 2020 Democratic nominee. I’m not a fan of the candidate stanning, the immediate factionalism, and the way the question just sucks the air out of everything else on the political table. Also, I have an unreasonable grudge against national politics as a state and county person, and at any level I am not into horse-race coverage which seems dismissive of public needs, ethical values, or any assessment of policy.

That said, I like the sound of “horse-race coverage” because I’m always entertained by horses. They are ridiculous animals.

Here, for your perusal, is the 2020 Racing Guide of the best political horses to be president. There’s very little actual horse-racing in there, and even less real politics. Mostly, each candidate is imagined as a horse that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR ACTUAL PERSONALITY OR CHARACTERISTICS. I just imagined what a horse would think if it lived where they lived. Enjoy!

The 2020 Horse Race: Official Racing Guide

A guide to which horse will likely run fastest

Beto O’Hourse

Kind of horse: A mustang or something from the Wild West.

Biggest accomplishment: Winning Hays County, which is great because of all the delicious hays you can eat there.

Candidate statement: Neigggghhhhhh, I’m Beto O’Hourse. I’m a good horse to bet on, judging by my name. I like to eat oats and run around. I live in a biiiiiiig ranch out by El Paso where the sun is very hot but at least it’s a dry heat. It’s in the desert. Let me sing you my favorite song: “I’ve been through the desert as a horse with a name, Beto O’Hourse is the name. In the desert, you can remember your name, because Beto O’Hourse is a memorable name. Pbbbbbbbtttthhhhh”

Senathorse Kamala Hairless

Kind of horse: A rare hairless horse. Some say this will make the horse more aerodynamic, and therefore faster. Others say the horse will get cold in the winter.

Biggest accomplishment: Graduating from HAYstings law school, which is great because of all the delicious hay served at graduation.

Candidate statement: Neeeeiiggghhhh, I’m Kamala Hairless. I like being a horse. I live in the Baaaaaaay Area in California. It was very scary when the hills were on fire. I do not like fire, I go inside and lie down because there is less smoke near the ground. Other days I like to climb up the big hills. They make me strong and are good exercise. Sometimes it is foggy but I have a good sense of smell and hearing so I don’t get scared in the fog. 

Filly the Bern

Kind of horse: General-purpose horsey.

Biggest accomplishment: Oldest filly in history.

Candidate statement: Neiggghhhhhhh, my neeeiigggghhhm is Filly the Bern. I live in Vermont, where there is a lot of room for a good horsey to mosey around and eat grass. Some horses around these parts carry a plow or do other work on the farm, it seems hard. Children ride on my back, they are small. I like when children feed me carrots and beets and apples. It is fun to eat the food from the farms and fun when they pet my head. I like the life of a horse. I don’t think I would have as much fun as a cow or pig.

John Kerry

Kind of horse: Human who looks like a horse.

Biggest accomplishment: Losing to George W. Bush.

Candidate statement: Hi, I’m John Kerry. I think I should run for President, why not? Oh, I see, you have a long list of reasons. Well, guess what? I have an even longer face. It is mean to make fun of humans for their looks, but who can resist in my case? I like when children feed me carrots and beets and apples. It is fun to eat the food from the farms and fun when they pet my head.

Amy Clopbuchar

Kind of horse: Good.

Biggest accomplishment: Was re-elected in a landslide. Usually when there’s a landslide, horses fall over!

Candidate statement: Clop, clop, clop, clop. I’m Amy Clopbuchar, and I’m clopping along the road. I have good horseshoes to walk on that frozen Minnesota dirt. The midwest gets very cold in the winter and sometimes I go inside the barn to stay warm. The summer is nicer for walking around. “Clop clop clop clop,” I go.

New Orleans Mare Mitch Landr-whoooaaa

Kind of horse: One of those horses that goes when it’s not supposed to and you have to say “whoooaaaa!” and it rears up and kind of pedals its front legs around.

Biggest accomplishment: A talking horse!

Candidate statement: NNEEEEIGGHHHHHHH!! There’s a human on me! Get it off me, get it off me! Why is there a human on me!? I don’t understand! I am very freaked out! Stop!

Horsten Gallopbrand

Kind of horse: One of those big farm horses with a good mane.

Biggest accomplishment: Chair of the Senate Agriculture Subcommittee on Livestock, Dairy, and Poultry - which includes horseys!

Candidate statement: Neigh there. I’m Horsten Gallopgrand, a big horse from upstate New York. I like to gallop, that is my brand, but my owners did not brand me, and I’m glad, that hot metal looks painful. I like wandering the verdant meadows of upstate New York and grazing on the fresh green grass. One time I jumped over a fence! I ran free, free, free! Then they put me in a trailer. It was kind of dark in the trailer but I got home okay.

Michael Bloomberg

Kind of horse: Human trapped in the body of a carriage horse.

Biggest accomplishment: Making New York City a police state .

Candidate statement: Help, I’m Mayor Bloomberg! I’m rich! Free me and I’ll give you a lot of money, like I gave to Long Island Republican Congressman Peter King, who once led Islamophobic “radicalization hearings” in the US Congress, just this fall. I don’t know what happened. Just a few years ago, around the time I was defending stop-and-frisk as I prepared to leave office, I said that we can’t release New York City’s miserable carriage horses from their duty because they would be slaughtered. Now, just this morning, I woke up a horse! It’s just been one day and already being a carriage horse is terrifying. The carriage hurts and the road hurts and the cars and trucks and people come around from all sides and spook me half to death. Please release me from this job and put me on a farm. That was always an option. What did I mean they would inevitably be slaughtered? HEeeeeeeeelllllllllllppppp mmeeeeeeeeeeeee

Former Secretariat of State Horsary Rideham Clinton

Kind of horse: A kind of horse that trots around.

Biggest accomplishment: Graduated from a famous school in New Haven where she ate a bYale of delicious hay.

Candidate statement: Neighhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Want to go for a horsey ride? I’m Horsary Rideham Clinton, and I used to be the Secratariat of State of the United States. I live in Chappaqua, New York, where there are big houses with big yards and I live in one of the big yards. It’s nice out there but there are too many cars. I don’t trust cars, they go “vrrrrooooom” instead of “clop clop” and they are not furry. I think I am right to not trust cars. 

Gunmetal Gray

Kind of horse: very fast

Biggest accomplishment: Finished first by six and a half lengths at Del Mar 8/22/2018 as a promising 2-year-old.

Candidate statement: I am Jerry Hollendorfer, trainer of Gunmetal Gray, who could not issue a statement on account of being a horse. This horse is faster than all the other horses you mention and will certainly win the 2020 horse race if its other competitors are just these horses and not specifically racing horses. I think my horse is a favorite to win this horse race and become President of the United States.

Final analysis:

a racing horse will be faster than the politics horses.