100% truly sent emails - (1 not sent email [marked] * 100% / total emails)
|Jan 12||Public post|| 2|
I know about a million of you are waiting on about a million email responses each, I just gotta send this first right quick and then I’ll get around to them, hopefully by the end of the weekend, the weekendend. I took a fucking job working Saturday mornings like an idiot. I dream about days I’ll get to sleep, about having so many days to sleep that it’s not even a big deal if I blow it, and with that relaxation, with the pressure off, I’ll sleep even easier. Dreaming about sleeping is easy. I’m asleep in the dreams, but I remember them because I wake up straight out of REM because I’m not sleeping enough. Anyway.
It has come to my attention that I need to get a better job. “You should work in comedy,” people in comedy say. “Don’t quit,” they say. “Don’t stop believing, hold on to that feeling.” “You should be on the radio,” I hear people say, when they hear my voice, that it’s religious somehow, but they mean something sexual, really, about where it takes them, and I ask why are they quoting that song by Madonna and do they actually know anywhere I can work in radio? The lyrics of pop songs I don’t even like keep intruding, intrusive thoughts like the violent thoughts in Maria Bamford’s mind, and I started kidding midway through that paragraph, but seriously, people seem to think I should have better jobs, and I like hearing it I guess because it validates the suspicion many of us have that what we’re doing isn’t our real calling, and that means we don’t have to really absorb the pain of it, that it’s not us who’s in pain but some temporary fake version of ourselves that is stuck in this life by mistake. I kid, I like my life, and I would enjoy to continue it, please don’t kill me. I don’t want to get backed over by a truck, especially if a celebrity is driving it. An ordinary person, well, their life will be hell after backing someone over, cut them some slack, but a celebrity, if they back me over with the truck, should be made an example of and never forgiven. The sexier, the more arrogant and less forgivable. Pull them the fuck out of the truck, beat them, put them on a long and painful trial, they are a menace and must be stopped, it’s not cute. Can’t be killing people out here, can’t think your hotness gets you away with it. (Memes there, memes on the mind, trending topics and the like, Brandy Jensen is funny, do y’all even know what I’m talking about? What does it mean that so many of my thoughts are things that I just saw, little worms of pop culture, that I don’t even really want you to get, don’t want to explain because I don’t care, so why am I always letting it in my brain?)
The net effect of all this interest in me having a job is to make me feel like a fuck-up, to wrench me out of satisfaction with life or engagement with something I care about and drag me to something I don’t, to spur me to engage in a rat race which I’m not good at or into. I write something I like, people say it should be published somewhere that won’t publish it, I feel like it no longer matters to them what I wrote, it matters whether or not a person is published in this place and I am not one of such people. On New Year’s at a party I was talking about politics with some people, an engaging conversation about the local scene, I was animated and happy. “Are you working in politics,” the person says, and I say no I’m just a volunteer, and he says “I’d be surprised if you weren’t, soon, based on your knowledge, I’d be very surprised if you aren’t very soon” and I think well I’d be fucking surprised because I haven’t applied for a single job and how would that happen but I don’t know what I say? Fellow was a white dude, college professor or teacher of some kind, wants a tenure track, iffy politics when it comes to his field. His wife is about it, works in civil liberties law. Hardest-working person I know in Brooklyn politics is a scientist, does it all in her spare time, her partner came in during a meeting once and relaxed at home, one time I think I saw him come to a political address and do a crossword app on his phone, asked him what crossword it was and he said “Wednesday” or something, I was supposed to assume it’s the New York Times, but is that one free? Washington Post you can get free online.
Anyway who has time to fucking apply for jobs? It’s enough hassle to invoice to get paid after 80 hours of work. You just want to do something engaging when you’re off the clock. So anyway here’s me applying for a bunch of jobs. I really sent these emails.
BROOKLYN 99 - Head Writer
Subj: A “Schur-Fire” Way to Improve Your Lineup - Make Me In Charge of Brooklyn 99
Please let the title of this email be evidence of my ambition and my ability to make puns, both requisite skills for a career in comedy writing. Yes, I am suggesting that you fire Michael Schur, co-creator of hit sitcom Brooklyn 99, which is no longer on the pro-police Fox network, and put me in charge of the show instead, and I am suggesting that this plan (to wit: firing one of the most successful showrunners in modern history and putting an unknown satire writer with very little narrative TV experience in charge of the room) is a “sure-fire” one, certain to succeed.
For reasons I do not have time to fully explain because I am applying to many jobs in this next 70 minutes or so (make an offer soon), I think that the unspoken premise of Brooklyn 99, that police work is inherently good, diverges too much from reality to be workable, and I would love to implement, with the fist of a tyrant, a plan to transform the show into an anti-policing show in which the procedural and character elements were basically preserved, but with a different function (the department would be either civil disobedience action group, an investigative journalism venture, or a string operation a la Serpico).
Here’s a few Twitter threads I wrote about to complain about your show, which I enjoy greatly:
I’m not really kidding, I can write well. Email me.
Comedy writer who did a lot of good stuff but you kind of had to be there.
THE GOOD PLACE - Any Writer
Subj: Applying for writer, The Good Place
Please forward this message to Michael Schur:
Dear Mr. Schur,
Full disclosure I recently (a couple minutes ago) requested that NBC fire you from Brooklyn 99, not out of any personal animosity, of course, just that I was angling for your job, which I don’t think I got, no hard feelings.
Anyway, I’d love to write for The Good Place. I think the cast are phenomenal, and the writing staff obviously is excellent. In particular I’m a fan of Demi Adejuyigbe and Megan Amram. Anyway, give me a job. I assure you I’d actually do a good job but even if not, that staff is definitely capable of carrying some dead weight. I don’t have time to prove my credentials but ask anyone who knows me.
Thanks, and again, while I hope they did fire you from Brooklyn 99 and give me the job, I don’t think you deserved to be fired and I would understand why they wouldn’t do that.
a comedy writer who is good but finds trying to get agents and that stuff a hassle.
JDS DEVELOPMENT GROUP - “Super-In-Tenant”
Subj: Job Application: “Super-in-Tenant”
I see you’re building the new tallest building in Brooklyn. Once you’re done I’d like to apply for the job of “super-in-tenant.” It’s NOT a job as a superintendent, but rather a job where I am paid to be a tenant who is super into your building. I don’t think it’s all that great, but for a job, I can be all about it. I’ll accept $75,000 plus free rent. I’ll be a very good tenant, ask anyone except my roommates from my early 20s, but I’ve gotten better since then. Friends say I’m good company, and “good company” is better than I’ve heard about y’all to be frank.
Just kidding about that last part, but mostly sincerely,
MANY BOOK PUBLISHERS - Bookwriter
to: firstname.lastname@example.org, LBrights@hachettebookgroup.com, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subj: Job Application - Bookwriter
My name is David Iscoe, and I would like to write books. I know you have a whole system with authors and inquiries and such, but honestly that seems like a nightmare. I want to go in to work to my guaranteed job, 10:00 to 6:00 or so, and just write a bunch of books on salary.
My qualifications are: I’ve never done it before, but I can write mad books. Fiction, non-fiction, you name it. I write and write and write. I write thousands of words a day without even getting paid. Let’s package it up into books, you’re the booksellers, I’ll leave the business end to you.
Here’s some books I can write:
Joke books. Seriously, I can write like a hundred jokes a day, you sell old joke books with much worse jokes than I write and it’s like 2,000 books. I can crank out a bunch of those.
Books of my opinions on politics - no worse than most of what’s out there, and more self-aware.
Fiction - look, it’ll be a ride.
Self-help - especially after I get this job and have a dream life it’ll be really easy to tell people what to do.
Books that you have ideas for that don’t need specific expertise - I’ll write ‘em
Books of emails - I write a lot of emails, could make a book out of them
Idiot’s Guides or whatever you equivalent is
Whatever else ya got
Just give me a shot. Obviously as an entry-level bookwriter I might not hit it out of the park every time but as I get experience I’ll get good. Imagine when I’ve been a full-time bookwriter for like 10 years, I’ll have written a shitload more than the average author, because I’ll have been able to write like full-time full-time and without the same anxiety. That experience will make me good, I think.
I emailed a few of you just to spread out my chances and make it clear that you gotta make an offer soon, clock is ticking. I’m starting with the big guns (minus HarperCollins, fucking Murdoch shop) and then moving on down the food chain if I get time. If you’re not taking up the offer but know somebody who might, please pass this down the chain.
I love books.
DCCC - Speechwriter
Subj: Lemme Write Speeches
I’d like to write speeches. I think I could do it well with the right training, but I’m tired and don’t want to get the application material together right now. Life is exhausting, I know it, and that knowledge would guide my speechwriting, but I would also have the wisdom not to be as self-deprecating and uninspiring as I’m doing here. I know about positivity and I’ll that. I’d “zhuzh it up” as they say. But just between you and me…
Look, I know your position is “not entry level” and in D.C., but could I start at entry level and not move to D.C. yet?
PS: I’d apply write for AOC but she seems to have a handle on it already.
PIT THEATRE - A Job I Already Have, Teaching a Writing Class (I’ll just email them and schedule the next one, I should get around to that)
UCB THEATRE - Actor
Subj: acting job
Hello, I am writing to apply for an acting job as one of your actors. Can you please tell me your rates?
PS: I am willing to commute to anywhere reasonable in New York City, but not like, west of 10th Avenue or Los Angeles and anywhere similarly located.
[ed: I did not actually send this one it’s a comedy theater and has too many “bits”]
HOT 97 - “You Should be on the Radio”
Subj: I should be on the radio, they say
When I talk, people often say “you should be on the radio.” Also I can talk for hours about any subject. Just put me on the radio whenever you need someone talking. If not at your station, please forward my application to somewhere else.
HBO - “You Should Write for John Oliver”
Subj: People say I should write for John Oliver
I’m a comedy writer, and I’ve heard friends and family members say that I should write for John Oliver. Putting in a word now, please send me for an interview with John Oliver. I’m well aware this isn’t the correct email address but it was the first one that came up for HBO, so please forward it around to the correct departments.
NOT SENT - A KINDHEARTED BUT PROBABLY APPROPRIATIVE IDEA BASED ON A PUN
NOT SENT - BOTHERING A WEBSITE I LIKE WHOSE SITE IS BACK UP BUT ISN’T PUBLISHING NO MORE
WEWORK - Make-All-WeWork-Places-Into-Libraries Worker
Subj: Just make libraries
I think instead of your company you should just make like a bunch of libraries but where people can talk. Free and such. I can round up some librarians to start the conversion.
Okay that’s all the jobs I can think of in the requisite time period! Good night!