There Are Seven Types of People In The World
Maybe the dumbest thing I ever wrote, even dumber than the pee politics one
In the process of trying to dig up some fiction drafts, I stumbled upon something I thought was lost and gone forever: my version of horoscopes, which I wrote in a mad frenzy one time on a bus. Horoscopes (also known as astrology but better known as horoscopes in my book, just that “horoscopes” is a singular mass noun rather than a plural noun in this context) is very popular these days. I’m not into it EXCEPT I am very into the idea of making things up, so I made it up for days of the week so you can base it on weeks as well as months for extra stuff. The whole thing is written in a very stupid style, but there’s an even dumber overall structural choice that I won’t spoil for you, so read on…
There are seven types of people in the world.
It’s a little-known fact that the day of the week on which you were born determines your personality, as well as your fate. There are seven types of people in the world, each born on a different day. Different things happen to them based on when they were born. They also have different personal characteristics. If you look up the day of the week on which you were born, you can figure out what kind of person you are and what will happen to you. If you look up this information regarding your friends, you can know how to treat them, based on when they were born. (If you are in doubt about when you were born, or what time zone you were in, it is best to trust the government that was in charge of the place you were born as to the official date and time. Governments are powerful forces that influence the outcome of your life in unseen ways, and we must keep track of them.)
The different categories of people are known as “names,” because each name has a different name. Each person, if they know what day they were born on, knows both their name and their name. For example, you would say “My name is Joe Schmo and my name is Gemini” if you were born on a Saturday. To ask people what their name is, you can say “What’s your name, what’s your name?” or simply “What’s your name?” if you don’t want to know their individual name and just want to categorize them into their name as soon as possible.
Here is the information for sorting yourself and others (for personal use only, please):
If you were born on a Monday you’re a Garter Snake.
You get controlled by hurricanes. The more hurricanes swirling around, the more stable your life is because you’re balanced out by a bunch of hurricanes. No hurricanes, and you’re out of control, baby. Your feelings are bad and you’re a fucking nerd. When you have sex with Zebras it smells bad. When you have sex with Mooshoos everything slides really nice.
If you were born on a Tuesday you’re a Pigsnout.
Pigsnouts are always two steps from dying. This affects everything about them. It’s hard to love a Pigsnout, so only the best people can do it, and they’re called Mooshoos. You’ll learn about the Mooshoos later, but it’s not the time yet. If you’re a Pigsnout all you can do is try not to die, and this will take all your time and effort until you do, sorry bub.
If you were born on a Wednesday, you’re a Barth Vader.
“Ho-brrr, ho-brrr” goes the Barth Vader, with its terrifying breath. But on the inside, as you know, you’re really very sweet, very prone to love animals, although you enjoy killing rocks. Inside you’re always classifying people as rocks or animals, deciding whether to love or kill them. Admit it, you are. Otherwise, you’re not a true Barth Vader.
If you were born on a Thursday, you’re an Oopsie-Daisy-Poops-are-Lazy.
Your fate is controlled by your mom. You take on her name and all its characteristics. If your mom is an Oopsie-Daisy-Poops-are-Lazy too, it skips to her mom, and the effects double. Someone in the world is Oopsie-Daisy-Poops-are-Lazy all the way back to the beginning of when names starting affecting people, without another name to take on the characteristics of, and boy is their fate wild.
If you were born on a Friday, get the fuck out of here.
If you were born on a Saturday, you’re the famous Mooshoo.
All the other names have expectations for you that you’ll never live up to. That’s why it’s best never to make any friends. The problem with this is that you won’t have any friends and your life will be less fun. Mooshoos get 10% off at Day’s Inn’s, but you can’t ask for it, it just happens by fate.
If you were born on a Sunday, whoo!
It’s all up in the air. Nobody knows what to call you. None of your emotions make any sense. The world is just very difficult for you, and you struggle against being stereotyped, then resign yourself to being just like anyone else, and accept the simplified story of yourself, until you realize it doesn’t quite fit, and here’s the thing, not only does it not fit you, but it doesn’t really fit anyone, that nobody is the person you tell stories about. You become aware you know nothing, and stop talking. And then, in the vacuum, thoughts fill your head, babble emerges, until you realize you were just like someone born on Sunday all along, you really were fitting in, but just fitting into chaos, nothingness, noise. Maybe you return to play, maybe you try to find yourself again, but you know that it’s nowhere, I don’t know, the names can’t help you. But the one born on Friday is called a Zebra.
Of course, that’s just one theory, based on superstition. According to science:
If you were born on a Tuesday, you are a Gwakmar.
Gwakmars are tall. Even short Gwakmars are taller than they would be if they were not Gwakmars. Gwakmars are very sad on the inside, but happy on the outside, and sometimes they are so happy on the outside that they trick themselves into thinking they are happy on the inside. Occasionally Gwakmars will lie and/or tell the truth. They sleep on their bellies. If a Gwakmar isn’t on their belly, then they aren’t really asleep. If you know a Gwakmar, you need to give them all your love. Thus, people try to avoid finding out their friends are Gwakmars because giving someone all your love is very burdensome. Because of the problem of limitations, you cannot have two Gwakmar friends at once unless they get married so that you give the couple all your love and they can treat it as a joint asset. But don’t worry if you are trying to keep multiple friends; it is the fate of every Gwakmar to become married, for better or for worse. Therefore it’s good to identify your friends who are Gwakmars and force them to undertake this thing together.
If you were born on a Wednesday, you are a Dingus.
Dinguses are very smart but not good at taking care of themselves. A Dingus will take any situation and figure out why it is their own fault, but they will be wrong, it will be their fault for a different reason. Dingus is known as “the mortal name” because all Dinguses will die. If you know a Dingus it is good to cast them aside, because death is very sad and makes them a bad investment in the long run, and it is a characteristic of people in the lives of Dinguses to view them as investments rather than as humans.
If you were born on a Thursday, good news! You’re a Congressperson.
All Congresspeople can be identified by their common career: serving in Congress. This is the reason that in most governments in the world, the length of Thursdays is strictly regulated, to limit the number of Congresspeople. Once Rome forgot to regulate them, and that was it, too many people in Congress, no ability to make decisions. Consequently Rome was conquered by the Goths, with their horrifying charcoal makeup – the glamorous Ostrogoths who wore ostrich skin and the unsubtle Visigoths who were always visible, never hiding. The Romans never made that mistake again, no sirree. The fact that all Congresspeople were born on Thursday and all people born on Thursday are Congresspeople is behind the tradition of always having birthday parties on Thursday in Congress. Congresspeople are kind and caring to those they love. They respond readily to social cues. If one becomes sad, some light, loving touch goes a long way.
People born on Fridays are Jewish.
Their fate: not good. How to treat them? Depends on whether you, too, are a Jew.
The Saturday identity is the Gemini.
All Geminis have gems in their eyes, thus the name. When Geminis can be identified, other names occasionally attempt to slaughter them to steal the gems. Their whole personality is influenced by this and they find it unwise to trust others. All the other names blame them, but if someone were trying to steal the gems from your eyes, would it not affect you, too? The Gemini, at least, is not full of shit. Their fate is pretty good unless they get their eyeballs scooped, but if it happens they’re bitter about it.
Everyone born on a Sunday is a Garfield.
Garfields are known for being orange. They are known for being cats. They are known for eating lasagna. But most of all, they are known for hating Mondays.
The Monday name is [YHVH].
It cannot be pronounced. The Latins call it Jehovah, but they’re just guessing. It’s not governed by God, the stars, or the government. It is governed by nothing. It is chaos. [YHVH]s are known as “a good time.” They laugh well and are good at sex and enjoy to eat. But despite being good at sex they are not “good in bed” if the term is taken literally. On lying down in bed, they will become restless, unable to sleep. They know what the other names do not, that names mean nothing, that we are all hurtling and stumbling through life and horrors can leap out always from any direction. At least we are in it together. But therein lies the tragedy. They cannot be everywhere at once. Everywhere they are, they are leaving a vacuum elsewhere. Their life is a scream that feels eternal. But it is not eternal. That’s why they scream.
Knowing the names is fun! Many people use it for sex. Here’s some fun sex combos.
A Garfield and a Dingus.
Gwakmar and a Congressperson.
Two Garfields, if you can believe that.
A Jew screwing a Gemini while a [YHVH] watches.
Dingus can have a good time by itself.
In addition to eternal fates, there’s shit going on every week.
This week Garfields are sad, Dinguses are mad, Gwakmars are happy, Jewish people go out for lunch together, Congresspeople get some news at work, [YHVH]s stub toes, and Geminis will smell weird things. Dogs will have fun. Cats will lounge about. At least one frog will find that it breathes just as well inside and outside the water.
end