If there’s one thing I want people to know about me, it’s that I hit a home run off of a pitcher I’m 95% sure was Andy Borowitz in an Onion/New Yorker softball game back in 2009.
In unrelated news, I thought it would be fun to make a version of the Onion that was as dumb and toothless as possible, in the same way people in improv enjoy “bad improv.” Here, without further ado, is
THE DUMB ONION
Donald Trump Achieves World Peace – By Agreeing to Stop Tweeting
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS - Every country in the world agreed to lay down arms and end all conflicts, under one condition: United States President Donald Trump has to stop Tweeting.
In a joint statement, Saudi, Iranian, Russian, Syrian, French, British, Sudanese, South Sudanese, Israeli, and Palestinian leaders Mohammed Bin Salman, Hassan Rouhani, Vladimir Putin, Bashar al-Assad, Emmanuel Macron, Theresa May, Omar Al-Bashir, Salva Kiir Mayardit, Binyamin Netanyahu, Mahmoud Abbas, as well as representatives of ISIL, Al Shabaab, Boko Haram, the Sinaloa Cartel, Los Zetas, and the Irish Republican Army said: “Violence is bad enough, but Donald Trump’s Tweeting is the worst thing that ever happened. We knew we needed to do something to end it.”
The terms of the armistice were agreed to: the world’s national armies, terrorist groups, and paramilitary forces would put down their collective 15,000 nuclear warheads, 700 million rifles, and billions of other weapons, while Donald Trump would put down his damned iPhone - or at least delete the Twitter app.
In America, Democrats and Republicans alike cheered the news, saying that if there was one thing they agreed on, it was that the president’s should not Tweet so much. “I think Trump is terrible and his Twitter usage is the worst part of what he does” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, “Whereas I think his politics are great but I agree it would be much better if he cooled it with the damn Twitter,” chimed in Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Donald Trump also celebrated the news, announcing from his Twitter account @RealDonaldTrump: “Incredible deal! I am the FIRST president to ever achieve TOTAL world peace - 8X the world peace of Obama in 1ST term! Gave him one Noble peace prize, terrible. I should have 8. Unfair!” Wait, he announced it from his WHAT account? Oh NO!
As of press time, all the wars were back on.
Bad News For New York - All 50,000 of the Amazon HQ2 Jobs Have Gone to Alexa
QUEENS, NEW YORK - New Yorkers hoping to snag a sweet new job at Amazon’s new Long Island City headquarters were disappointed today to learn that all 50,000 of the New Jobs were taken by one super-candidate - Amazon’s virtual assistant, Alexa.
“As an experienced computer programmer already living in the area, I thought I had a good shot,” said Queens resident Alexis Patrick Clark, “but I have to admit, Alexa works well in the Amazon system. She knows it better than anyone.”
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio welcomed the news, saying the virtual assistant would be a natural virtual New Yorker. “New York City is the city that never sleeps,” he said “and Alexa never sleeps either. Alexa, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!”
If Alexa has to take a sick day, like if she gets sick with a computer virus, all the jobs are likely to be taken by the second-ranking candidate: Siri!
In Music News, Beyoncé’s Twins Are Each Only Half-Flawless
BEL AIR, CALIFORNIA - We hate to say anything bad about Beyoncé, but the sad news is that her twins, Rumi and Sir Carter, are only half-flawless, and half talented-but-flawed. This is because only one of their parents, their mother Beyoncé, is flawless.
However, they are expected to grow up 100% flawless because her parenting is 200% flawless.
Please don’t come after us, Bey hive!
And Now in Sports/Entertainment - Blake Bortles Is Definitely in the Bad Place
JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA - Bad Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles, a favorite of character Jason Mendoza on NBC’s The Good Place, is definitely not in the good place but in a bad place in every since of the word.
The Jaguars are in last place in their division, a bad place to be in the standings. Blake Bortles is in 30th place among full-time starters in quarterback rating - a bad place as well. He has thrown ten interceptions, because he often throws the ball into a bad place - a place where the other team can catch it. And he still lives in Jacksonville, Florida, one of worst bad places of them all!
Business time! More Millennials are Taking Out a Second Mortgage on Their Avocado Toast
NEW YORK, NY - In what may be an early sign of an economic crisis, economists discovered that 27% of millennials this year took out a second mortgage on their avocado toasts, up from 13% in 2017.
“Avocado toast is what millennials buy instead of houses,” said Paul Krugman, “so if they’re taking out a second mortgage on it, it means they can’t afford their principal economic asset. We may be in an avocado toast crisis.”
So far banks are profiting off the higher loan rates on these additional mortgages. But if the millennials can’t pay back the loans, and avocado-toast-backed securities fail, the repercussions may go beyond the avocado toast market. Some millennials might even lose their jobs–being on Instagram!
A CARTOON, IN WORDS
Imagine, if you will, a bunch of Democrat candidates, running as fast as they can, looking behind themselves in terror.
The ghost chasing Hillary Clinton says “nobody likes you and you lost to a moron!”
The ghost chasing John Kerry says “everybody likes you and you still lost to an even dumber moron!”
The ghost chasing Bernie Sanders says “you’re old and you lost to someone who lost to a moron!”
And the ghost chasing Beto O’Rourke says “you lost to Ted friggin’ Cruz!”
Above all the ghosts it says “the ghosts of elections past”
And to cap it all off, the caption: “THEY’RE RUNNING!”
SOME HEADLINES THAT ARE FUNNIER THAN THE ARTICLES WOULD BE - IF YOU ONLY READ IT FOR THE HEADLINES:
Superglue Pays 4.7 Billion to Acquire Whatever’s Between Americans and Their Phones
Kanye West Says He’s Not Getting a Divorce From Kim Kardashian - But He Did Get a Divorce From His Brain!
Labor Leaders Applaud Drone Strike
More Americans Listening to Audiobooks on Public Transit - But Really They Wish They Were Smelling Aromabooks Because the Buses and Trains Smell Bad!
Opinion: Christmas and my Husband - Two Things That Always Come too Early!
Point: Duh / Counterpoint: No Duh
Mueller Reveals That Either There’s A Trump Pee Tape or There Will be a Trump Pee Tape When They Tape Trump Reacting to His Report
God to Humans: “Look, We Both Messed Up”
The Onion, The Chive, The Shallot, The Scallion, or the Green Onion: I Don’t Care What You Read, I Don’t Care What You Eat, But Don’t Try to Kiss Me With That Breath!